Hey, I'm closing my art commissions. I want to address that and some other stuff that factored into me making this decision despite knowing that this won't reach really anyone.
1) For starters, I've not been in the best state of mind lately. Personal events in my own life involving the people in my immediate family and social circles have been truly overwhelming as it is, but the events surrounding our society right now aren't doing much good for me right now either. It doesn't help in the slightest that I grew up in Florida, where I was exposed to a lot of things that an easily impressionable teenager shouldn't be anywhere near, and it was my PARENTS to blame for it of all people. So, seeing that the world's issues run deeper than anything I saw or knew there, I'm very afraid for my future as an adult, those of the people closest to me here in the US, and the overall quality of life in general for the entire population. I don't want to be a part of this country anymore because I'm tired of seeing so much pain and suffering within it at the hands of our own government especially over petty bullshit. I want to make it very clear, I stand firmly against racism, fascism, the US police force's brutality against civilians, instatement of Marshall law, and oppression of any population for any reason as a whole.
TL;DR 1) Nothing happening right now seems positive by any stretch, both at home AND outside home, and given I've already seen a lot of messed up things in a certain southern state, my faith in humanity is in the negative. It's killing me inside watching the world I'm supposed to grow up in be controlled by fear and hate.
2) If you are reading this, you might be thinking I just don't enjoy drawing anymore "and that's okay." It's not at ALL that I don't WANT to draw anymore, not in the slightest, but in addition to having little time in an entire week to work on any art AND fighting poor mental health, I feel creatively spent in the sense that I have so many ideas I want to bring to life for people to enjoy, yet I have almost no time to do so and I'm starting to understand that this may be why I'm having issues seeing any improvement in my drawing skills. It also doesn't really help that what little feedback I DO get is usually short and sweet without any specification of what someone liked or didn't like, so despite knowing I need improvement I have no idea where to even begin because nobody bothers to tell me. It's like I may as well not exist to most people in the online community, I feel like I'm never seen or heard ANYWHERE.
TL;DR 2) Due to my declining mental health, I'm not sure how to continue making artwork because the amount of ideas I have and things I want to draw completely outweighs the time and skill I have TO draw them, and receiving little to no feedback leaves me unsure where I stand as an artist and a creator in the online community, if I even have a place in it at all.
3) This may seem really out of place coming from a straight, cis, white dude amidst the current state of the world, but I feel like I don't have a voice in anything, nor do I have control over anything. I was never taught by my parents that I could be my own person, I learned from them that I was to be seen and not heard, and I was to do as the authority figure in my life at any given point without question. And being a white kid, it was never about race though. Just being controlled and used by the only "family" I had for a literal decade, and their justification was always the same, that THEY were the adults, I was the child, and that meant I would ALWAYS be wrong for speaking against my parents even when I WAS right. I'm still not used to having a say in things and having control over my own life even now that I'm 18 because my parents failed to teach me anything I would need going into this life, and I still never feel like I'm in control of anything, including my own emotions. That said, the overwhelming stress I'm under in my personal life combined with the tension of a national revolution looming above us, being so flooded with creative ideas for it all to be drained by not having time to work on any of it, AND feeling like I'm invisible or annoying to people has been quickly coming together to truly amplify my sense of not having any control over anything.
TL;DR 3) Growing up being taught I wasn't in control of anything and not being given any lessons EVER to be in control of anything have, in my eyes, rendered me useless as a human being and all my other stressors combined with this seem to just keep VALIDATING my belief that I'm nothing more than a mental mess who can barely keep his shit together on a good day.
It's certainly not that I NEED commissions, anyway. I don't make a living off of my art, as much as I wish I could, I do have a job and stable housing (thank God for what family I have who AREN'T inconsiderate, literal swingers), and I'll be just fine without the commission money even if it would've been nice to have some extra money that didn't need put into savings for a car and eventually leaving this damned country. And I might open commissions again anyway if anyone DOES show interest, so maybe it won't be so bad.
To anyone who DOES read this, at least to this point, all I really have to say beyond that is thank you for listening to my dumb rambling and please support black and poc creators both locally and online, stand firm with BLM, donate to the cause if you can, sign petitions against the blatant racist activism in our country, and even keeping yourself and those you care about informed if that's the least you can do is good. All of you please stay safe and know that even if you don't hear me, even if you don't listen, I will hear and I will listen. I always will do that in the online community and I always will stand with the amazing people in it for what's right.